Longing for more

2005-11-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

Bad Days

I had the worst day of my life on monday, well maybe not of my life but definatly of my month. Everything that could go wrong did. Half the things i brought upon my self which made it even worse coz i spent the entire day yelling at myself. The other half were things i had no control over so i felt like life was happening to me instead of me living it. On days like this i realize that my life is not my own and that God never promised a bed of roses, what he does promise is that he will be there for us during our trials and tribulations.
Thank You Lord

2005-11-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

Too little time

It has been so long since i posted something and it has not been for lack of material. There is so much going on right now in my life right now. I have written so many things in my mind and said to myself i will have to post that some time. God has been teaching me so much. I have parts of myself that have been hidden for so long. Partly from a book i am reading with my small group called captivating. It is simply an amazing book. Itr is all about the heart of a women. I have been remembering my childhood, some of the memories i had blocked out for so long it was like remembering a dream. What is amazing is i am learning how these things have shaped the women that i am today. I am still processing some of the stuff and i think it will be a long journey.

About a month ago i began a 90 day journey of renewal of Body, soul and spirit. I am using a book by Donna Partow Becoming the women you want to be. She also wrote becoming a vessel God can use. It is an amazing journey of renewing you mind through scripture she has all kinds of activities for you to do and scriptures to memorize every week. Everyday i begin with mind renewing scipture and some soul searching then a commitment to taking care of the body the Lord has given me. I have learned so many things about my self. The thing about growth is that its hard . For me discipline has always been my weakness. So often i let my body dictate what i am going to do, i give in to the desires of my flesh way more than i should. I take the easy way out of way to many situations and I give up so easily.

I still have a long way to go but i know i will get there

2005-10-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

Psalms 130vs 1-6

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
To my cry for mercy.
If you, O Lord, Kept record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
Therefor you are feared.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And in his word i put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than watchmen wait for the morning,
More than watchmen wait for the morning.

This has been the prayer of my heart this week. When i read it earlier this week it was almost like the words came flying of the page. It was putting into poetry the cry of my heart. It is so amazing how his word is filled with all that we need.

2005-10-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

10 things that bring me a moment of happiness

I was taged by agirloutthere a while ago but i did not get round to doing it so here is my list.
1. Moutain sides in springtime
2. Holding newborn babies
3. A really hot cup of tea
4. Laughter with friends
5. Long conversations with people i love
6. Dancing even though i am not that good at it
7. Intimate prayer time with God and amazing, powerful coporate prayer
8. Blue
9. Being held by the love of my life
10. Shopping

2005-08-29T13:48:00.000-07:00

Little white lies

A couple of weeks ago I spent the week-end with two of my best friends. I have known them both since i was 3 years old. It amazes me just how amazing the way God created us is. These two amazing people have known me since i could not tie my own shoelaces. We spent hours remembering our childhoods, all the things that we did that drove our parents crazy, all the times we laughed, all the times we did some really crazy things. What i found really funny was the fact that we all remembered the events just a little differently. For example one of our least shining moments was when we lied to our parents about where we would be and we ended up being caught in a riot and getting tear gas thrown at us by the police. It is a little difficult to explain this to ones mom when you get home and she saw you running away from the police on the news. It was all very innocent. All we wanted to do was go to a soccer game and watch our country cream South Africa. How were we supposed to know that the ref was going to be biased, make some bad calls and send the crowd into a violent riot. Well we had no idea, but we still should have been upfront and told the truth about where we were going. So often in life we lie coz we think it is the easy way out, but sometimes it turns out to be the worst thing we could have done. why is it so hard to tell the truth. What keeps us from being honest. Some times i think well it is just a little white lie and it is to protect the other person, this way i will not hurt their feelings. But mostly it is just me being a coward. it is me refusing to face up to the music. I would rather take the easier road, the one where i do not have to explain myself, or admit that i was wrong and fell short.
Lord Give me strength always speak the truth, even when it is the hard way out.

2005-08-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

God's Temple

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

My Body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, God created me and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. These are promises that the enemy for the last four years has been stealing from me. In my 4 years at college i gained over 50 pounds. Slightly more than the freshman 15.......I hated the way that i looked. I would avoid social activities because of the way that i looked. I hated my body and i did not see any beauty in it. Like any other college gal i tried my share of quick fix diets. And like many college gals fell flat on my face. I would tell myself that it was not about what is on the outside but whats on the inside is what really counts. When i was hungry i would eat, when i was bored i would eat, when i was angry i would eat, when i was sad i would eat, when i was lonely i would eat, when i was depressed i would eat, when i was happy i would eat, when i was confused i would eat, when i was with friends i would eat, when i was alone i would eat, when i was excited i would eat....................................The list goes on. I used food to fill every empty place in my heart. I loved God and i knew he loved me. I knew i was responsible for taking care of the body that he had created in his image but i was falling deeper and deeper into the bottomless pit. I was beleiving the lies the enemy was telling me. I had no control, i would always be "big", God did not care about the outside, My self worth was attached to a number on the scale, it is shallow to care about the outside...............................The list goes on.

I have begun the journey to uncover the me that God created. Every morning i read and claim the truths and promises that God has given me. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, i am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am made in the image of God, I am beautiful. I renounce the lies that the enemy has been feeding me and i take back that which he has stolen fron me. I will never again turn down a social activity because I hate the way i look, I will see myself the way that he sees me, I will take care of the body that he created.........................The list goes on.

These changes will not happen overnight but i beleive that his garace is sufficient and that he has given me all the tools that i need. I have asked asked a couple of my friends that i an in an acountability group with to keep me accountable to exercising 3-4 times a week and eating healthy/sticking to my meal plan. I also joined Weight Watchers for some added accountability.
Thank you Lord that you never give up on your children that you knit each and every one of us in our mothers wombs and that we are all made in your image. You are so Amazing.

2005-08-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

A Mother's Love

I have had the most amazing time these past two weeks. I have spent them with my mom and my sister both of whom i had not seen in 4 years 5months and 10days. I hug them both at least 10 times a day. We have laughed, we have cried, we have danced, we have sayed up all night, we have prayed, we have talked. There is nothing in the world like a mothers love. Having my mom here makes me feel so safe, like i am 2 again and sitting on her lap as she sings me to sleep. Home might be 5000 miles away but i feel like she brought it with her. Knowing she will be waiting for me when i get of work brings a smile to my face. Thank you Lord so much for getting them here safe. I know I was starting to doubt and no longer believed that you would make this dream come true.

2005-08-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

Never say never

A friend of mine asked me a while ago why I did not have a blog. I replied by saying that writing is not my thing. She said blog writing does not have to be of Shakespearian quality , that it can just be my thoughts or lack thereof. I told her I would never do it but I guess you should never say never. I have been following a couple of blogs pretty regular and have found myself wanting to share some of my life with these people in cyber space. So my blog will be my thoughts, my dreams and anything else that is a part of my life